Little Jokes / Recent Jokes
For a gift this year a guy's wife purchased him a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when he was on the varsity chess team in high school, he decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. He called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. His wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic he was to get started. Here is his story of how the week went.
DAY 1.
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6: 00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her added about ten more...
A man selling carpet called a home and a little boy with a whisper answered the phone the man introduced himself to the child and asked if he could speak to his father the little boy said, "no" the man asked why not? The little boy exclaimed, " He`s busy" so the man asked to speak with his mother, the little boy said, "no" the man asked why not? The little boy said, "She's busy" so the man asked if there were any other grown ups in the house. The little boy said, " yes a policeman and a fireman" the man asked to speak to the policeman the little boy said, "no" He`s busy so the man asked to speak to the fireman and the little boy said, "no" He`s busy so the man puzzled said, there are four grownups in your house and they are all busy, do you mind if I ask what are they doing? The little boy still in a whisper says " yah they are looking for me"
Always look like a Shiseido Spokes model: he would be proud to take the girl around shopping and showing her off. Never be taller than him: it makes him look bad. Compliment! Tell him that his little Honda Civic is a lot sportier looking than the Porsche. Have him upgrade the civic to a prelude his senior year and when he graduates persuade him to get a Supra. Buy him clothes Dead Rap stars would wear: Polo, Hilfinger, Nautica, Nikes, Timberlands, and Quicksilver (close enough to big brand names). Never use more hair products than he does. Tell him his baggy clothes makes him look bigger. (BTW, from tric) Talk to him in a way that allows him to use what little of Japanese (any Asian language ) he knows. Tell him that he's different from the other white guys on the street. The special white guy you love. Compliment him on both his shirts... the button long sleeve one, and the print t-shirt he has on underneath. Make them think that because they understand your "culture", they more...
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little while." The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs." The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger more...
Ideas are funny little things. They won't work unless you do.
Bruce, a middle-aged Australian tourist, visits the red light district of Amsterdam and enters a large brothel. It's his first time in Europe.
The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!
Seeing this, the Madam sends a more experienced lady over to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!
The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do!
Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams louder than the more...
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"