Less Jokes / Recent Jokes
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about? ”
“It’s $50, 000, ” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer? ”
“That’s my business! Get me the course! ”
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died? ” In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer. . . ”
Name_________________________ Date of Birth____________
Height _________ Weight________ IQ________ GPA________
Social Security # ______________ Driver's licence #__________
Boy Scout Rank_____________________________________
Home Address_____________ City/State ____________ Zip____
Do you have one male and one female parent? ____________
If no, explain answer _________________________________
Number of years parents married ________________________
Do you own a van? _______ A truck with oversized tires? ______
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? _______
Do you have a tattoo? _________
(if yes to any of #8, discontinue application and leave the premises)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ____________
____________________________________________________.
In 50 words or less, what does' DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!' mean to you? more...
You know you're out of college when
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8: 00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends more...
How to Answer
It is Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event. Opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says,
'DO I LOOK FAT?'
There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted' yes'.
'No' means yes.' Yes' means yes.' I don't know' means yes.' It doesn't matter' means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes.
Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but more...
Engineer: a person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.
A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can''t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint
Loretta Nall is making quite a splash as the write in candidate for Alabama governor's race. What started a s a big joke has gotten her a spot in the lime light. Just another point showing sex sells and men aren't picky.
Her campaign is offering T-shirts and marijuana stash boxes adorned with a photo of her with a plunging neckline and the words: "More of these boobs." Below that are pictures of other candidates for governor -- including Republican incumbent Bob Riley and Democratic Lt. Gov. Lucy Baxley -- and the words: "And less of these boobs."
Maybe she will get elected and set the women of Alabama back another 50 years.