Ladies Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen."
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself 'I'll go on better than that English bastard' and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and more...

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their " Freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."

The other day President Clinton was walking around the White
House all morning with a pair of ladies panties on his arm.
Everyone was looking at him and wondering what he was doing
now but no one had the courage to say anything.
At 1200 hours the President's Marine Aide de Camp relieved his
Air Force counterpart who whispered what he'd seen in the Marine Major's ear.
Being a confident and tactfully articulate Officer and a
Gentleman, the Marine Major purposefully strode into the Oval
Office, positioned himself centered and 3 paces in front of the
President's desk and politely inquired what he was doing with
the pair of ladies panties on his arm.
President Clinton replied: "It's the patch, I'm trying to quit."

Three older ladies were discussing the problems of getting
older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of
mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't
remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a
sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself
standing on the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my
way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that
problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the
table... then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Two elegant ladies were out for their weekly luncheon and had been sitting for a very long time in the restaurant. One of the ladies said, "We've been sitting here for so long my rear end has gone to sleep!"

The other lady responded, "Yes I know, I heard it snoring."

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his private
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Legend has it that there is a coffee bar in
New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth one is granted a wish.
However, if one tells a lie ---*poof*------- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *Poof* the mirror swallows her up.
Next a rather large brunette stands before
the mirror and says, "I'm the sexiest woman alive". *Poof* the mirror swallows her too.
Then, an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...". *Poof*