Kitchen Jokes / Recent Jokes

Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you
don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat
diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is
there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland
problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?
Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed,
as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a
cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering
great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet,
however, be sure more...

What do you call a woman outside the kitchen?
Answer: A fugitive

1) The first is Smurf S? x.
This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen S? x.
This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have s? x anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third stage is Bedroom S? x.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you've got kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth stage is Hallway S? x.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "f? ck you!"
5) The fifth stage is Courtroom S? x.
This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

What do you call a woman outside the kitchen? Answer: A fugitive

Q. What do you call 15 blonde's in a circle?
A. A dope ring.
Q. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A1. The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2. None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
Q. If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A. The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q. What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A. Her IQ goes up!
Q. What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A. A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Q. What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A. Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
Q. What did the blonde's mom say to her before the more...

Heard on Garrison Keillor's "Prairie Home Companion" radio show:

Ole was on his death bed. His pastor had been summoned and, from all appearances, the end was imminent. As he lay there gasping for breath, a waft of an odor drifted into the room and Ole sniffed.
He realized that he was smelling his favorite of all things, Lena's chocolate marshmallow brownies.
With great effort, the old may got out of bed and, with a huge effort, made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen, following the delicious smell of the brownies. He spied them in the open window, cooling. He staggered over and took one, savoring the aroma, and took a big bite out of it.
At that moment, Lena walked into the kitchen and said, "Ole! You should be ashamed of yourself! I baked those for after the funeral!"

A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with is new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said "All of you sons of bitches who want off get the hell off now' cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train' cause we are leaving."
The mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS! When you come out you may play with your train but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom, and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride more...