Kitchen Jokes / Recent Jokes

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was thirsty, including the mouse.
The steins were all empty, the bottles were too,
The beer had been drunk with no time to brew.
My family was nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Christmas Ale foamed in their heads.
Mama in her kerchief lamented the drought,
She craved a pilsner and I, a stout.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen, I flew like a flash,
Opening the door with a loud bang and crash!
I threw on the switch and the lights, all aglow,
Gave a luster of mid-day to the brew-pot below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Gambrinus himself, the patron of beer.
With a look in his eye, so lively and quick,
He said, "You want beer? Well, here, take your pick."
More rapid than eagles, his recipes came,
As he more...

Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees herson coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks alittle further and kicks a cow. Once inside, hismother says, "I saw what you did, young man! Forkicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, andfor kicking the cow, no milk for a week."Just at that moment, the boy's father walks throughthe door and boots the cat halfway across the room. The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wannatell him, or should I? "

Sid and Mundo were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Mundo, "Are there any Jews in Mexico?" I don't know," Mundo replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Mundo asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews." "Are you sure?" Mundo asked. "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews." "Are you really sure?" Mundo asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, more...

An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.
The two elderly men were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I'd highly recommend."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend suggest "The poppy?"
"No, no, no" growls the man.
"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask more...

1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen. This kitchen is delirious.2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. 10. Housework done properly can kill you.11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.12. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

If architects had to work like programmers. . . Dear Mr. Architect, Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them). As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite more...