Kids Jokes / Recent Jokes

A priest was walking down the street, when a small boy approached from the other direction carrying a bottle of acid. The priest was afraid that the child might injure himself, so he offered to trade a bottle of holy water for the dangerous fluid.

' What will holy water do?' asked the boy.

' Well' replied the priest,' I rubbed this on a woman's belly and she passed a baby.'

To which the boy replied,' That's nothing. I rubbed this on a cat's arse and it passed a motorcycle.'

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"
The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"

* By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.

* Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.

* Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"

* References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.

* Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

* Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.

* Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.

* Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

* Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."

* Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.

* Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

* More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than more...

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they`d by bagels

· How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code! · Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?
He had a bee in his suit of armour! · Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrian’s Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it`s around Hadrian`s garden miss! · Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights! · What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels! · Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia?
Must have been a duck family
A duck family?
Didn`t you say there was a quack in it!

HOW TO DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (as answered by primary school students)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, like maybe if they were yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO more...

It's customarily said that Christmas is done' for the kids'. Considering how awful Christmas is and how little our society likes children, this must be true.
- P. J. O'Rourke, "Modern Manners", 1983.