Kid Jokes / Recent Jokes

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.
"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.
"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."
"What? How did that happen?"
"I don't remember. I was drunk."

One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"
"I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous," the second boy says.
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and
Jell-O. It's a breeze!"
"Well what are you here for?" the second kid asks.
"A circumcision." The first kid replys woefully.
The second kid says "Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree.' I've kidnapped you!', said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying,' I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10, 000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10, 000 with a note that said,' How could you do this to a fellow blonde?'

A MOTHER AND HER FIVE YEAR OLD SON ARE ON THEIR WAY HOME FROM DAYCARE WHEN THE CHILD SEES TWO DOGS IN A FIELD SCREWING. PUZZLED, THE CHILD ASKS THE MOM WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
THE MOM NOT SURE HOW TO ANSWER SAYS THEY ARE BUSY MAKING PUPPIES.
LATER THAT EVENING WHEN EVERYONE IS IN BED MOM AND DAD ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVING SEX. ALL OF A SUDDEN THE YOUNG BOY WALKS IN.
DADDY, HE SAYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL SON HE SAID, YOUR MOM AND I HAVE DECIDED ITS TIME FOR YOU TO HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER OR SISTER.
THE BOY STARTS CRYING AND SAYS, NO DADDY, TURN MOMMY OVER, I'D RATHER HAVE A PUPPY!

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10, 000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10, 000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,' 'I've kidnapped you.'' She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10, 000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10, 000 with a note that said,' 'How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''

"The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy."
"Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was precedent, he wore only a tall silk hat. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the Ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Cu Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the more...