Kid Jokes / Recent Jokes

We kid ourselves if we think that the ratio of procedure to data in an active data-base system can be made arbitrarily small or even kept small.

There was a man having sex with a prostitute upstairs, when all of a sudden the
prostitute leaves to go to the bathroom. The man then thought it was all over and
threw his condom out the window of his house. When the prostitute comes back, she
would not have sex with him without the condom. So since he allready paid the woman
and that was his last condom he threw out, he goes outside to get it. To his surprize
a kid has his condom in his hand. The man said "hay kid thats my condom". In reply the
kid says "well I found it first so it's mine". The man says "I'll give you 25 cents for it".
The kid pauses but says "no give me 25 dollars for it". Since he allready paid the prostitute
300 dollars, he pays the kid 25 dollars for it. The Kid runs home and tells his mother of the
story but then says "I ripped the guy off, because I allready sucked the cream from it". --hee hee
I tolk you it was more...

A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the hay crop to fertilize it. The kid says, "Hey, Pop - I learned in college that there is an easier way to do everything." They go into town and get some dynamite. They're gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the manure into the hay field. They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. Ba-Booom! The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop! She lands in the hay field. They go running up to her. "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you alright? Are you alright?" She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Phew! I'm certainly glad I didn't let that one go in the kitchen!"

A new neigbour arrives. The kids meet. The local kid:"My mom was born in California! Where was your mom born?" The other kid answers, "Alaska". The first one replies:"Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask'er myself!"

Betsy, a grammar-school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment.

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a more...

Top 10 Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts.
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom. He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge's chambers. And who should be sitting there - the judge.

Judge: "Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?"

Kid: "Yeah?"

Judge: "Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze." The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge. The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it.

Judge: "Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There's a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They'll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it more...