Ireland Jokes / Recent Jokes
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior`s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don`t sell that cow.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why, of course, comes the reply. The first man then asks, Where are you from? Im from Ireland, replies the second man. The first man responds by saying, You dont say. Im from Ireland too. Lets have another round to Ireland. Of course, replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, Where in Ireland are you from? Dublin, comes the reply. I cant believe it, says the first man, Im from Dublin too. Lets have another drink to Dublin. Of course, replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, What school did you go to? St Marys, replies the second man, I graduated in 1962. This is unbelievable, the first man says. I went to St Marys and I graduated in 1962 too. About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar. Whats been going on? he asks the barman. Nothing much, replies the barman. The OMalley twins are drunk again.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed." No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.
The first man then asks: Where are you from?
I’m from Ireland, replies the second man.
The first man responds: You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.
Of Course, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: ”Where in Ireland are you from?
Dublin, comes the reply.
I can’t believe it, says the first man. ”I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.
Of course, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?
Saint Mary’s, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.
This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ‘62, too!
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What’s been going on? he asks the more...
(This is an irish joke with a twist. Told to me by my father-in-law.)
There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.
When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of
taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a while someone rushes
up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.
The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or Protestant?"
The American thinks to himself "Great-if I say I'm Catholic, this guy is sure
to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic. Either way
I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish."
This, he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe.
The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland."
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"