Insurance Jokes / Recent Jokes

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.25 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him more...

This young husband realizes he has made a mistake marrying his wife and decides to have her offed for her insurance. Through a friend of a friend, the young husband locates "Artie" who has done these contracts before.
Artie meets with the young husband and Artie agrees to do the job for $10,000 with $5,000 upfront. The husband says he doesn't have that kind of money now but will when he collects the insurance money. Artie says he still wants something. What's in his wallet? The young husband pulls out his wallet and shows Artie a dollar. Artie takes the dollar as the down payment.
Artie tails the wife and follows her into the produce section of a grocery store. Thinking they're alone, Artie approaches the wife and chokes her to death. A produce worker comes up having seen the whole thing. Not wanting to leave any witnesses, Artie chokes him to death, too. Unbeknownst to Artie, this is all captured on the in-store camera. Artie is caught. The headlines the next day more...

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A' friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of' Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5, 000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department more...

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five more...

Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need anyone," they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything."
"Well we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job." He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks - one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman. I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
Morris was gone about six hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets more...

When one wishes to unlock a door but only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)
When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)
Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)
Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of more...

Authentic Claims from a Car Insurance agency...
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and more...