History Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that hispoor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for hismigraines and STILL no improvement."Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'mgoing to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I havea migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for awhile. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I canstand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then Iget out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head iskilling me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, theheadache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back andsee me in six weeks."Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I tookyour advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! more...

He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints.
Hindsight is an exact science.
History is the science of what never happens twice.
History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.
I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"
"Well, you might ask them..."
"Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.
Which one?"
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh -
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?"
"I must confess I don't know much about history."
(DOH!)

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Later in the drill the history teacher asked anyone knew where the Declaration of Independence was signed. Little TJ once again raised his hand and replied, "At the bottom."

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said' Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said' Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, more...

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"
"Well, you might ask them..."
"Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.
Which one?"
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh -
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?"
"I must confess I don't know much about history."