Hands Jokes / Recent Jokes

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right.... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, more...

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with more...

An old 'hands off' sign, useful for anyone with delicate apparatus...
Achtung! Dummkopfen!
Das machine ist NICHT fur gerfingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy snappen der springenwerk und poppencorken mit spitzensparken! Keepen Sie die hands in die pockets und watchen Sie das blinkenlights!

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now, with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreck revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him.

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up."OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'."

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.
"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."