Handful Jokes / Recent Jokes

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

New Miracle Diet!
Flabby people are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope?
Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught parents, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your more...

Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you
don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat
diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is
there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland
problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?
Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed,
as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a
cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering
great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet,
however, be sure more...

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me more...

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!! DAY ONE:Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat more...