Hand Jokes / Recent Jokes

It was John The Milkman's birthday. Being a friendly sort of chap, he knew most of his customers and had told quite of few of them about his birthday. When he reached number 28, he was met by Mrs. Jones, the young attractive occupant. She asked him into the house and gave him an enormous birthday breakfast. Then she took him by the hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom, where they had the most amazing sex.
A couple of hours later as John was leaving the house, Mrs Jones pressed a pound coin into his hand.
"I'm sorry," he said, "but I've got to ask - why the pound?"
"Well," said Mrs Jones, "I said to my husband last night 'It's the milkman's birthday tomorrow, what shall we give him?' and he replied 'Oh screw the milkman, give him a pound.' The breakfast was my idea!"

In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?" Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Go ahead, Little Johnny."
"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."
"That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"
Again Little Johnny raises his hand.
"We'll give you another chance."
"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."

A woman got turned down for a job on a building site so she threatened to take the company to court for sexual discrimination, when they relented they gave her a job with a scaffolder and she was told that she had to learn 3 hand signals so that she knew what the scaffolder wanted.The 1st signal was a clenched fist moving forward and backward to simulate using a saw.The 2nd was a clenched fist moving up + down to simulate using a hammer.And the 3rd was both hands with for finger and thumb touching and movin closer then further apart to simulate a tape measure, The woman thought this was easy and was told to start in the morning, The next morning arrived and she is on the building site, the scaffolder whistles at her from high up on the scaffold and gives her the tape measure signal, she looks up at him and pats her breast, makes a signal like shes fealing a pregnant belly and then cups her private parts, the scaffolders annoyed and does his signal again, she looks at him and repeats more...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and more...

A farmer drives across his field one day in his tractor, when half ways across the field the tractor breaks down. "Damn it" he said.

He sees his wife in the farm yard feeding the chickens, he catches her attention and shouts to her and signals with his hand that he needs a pair of pliers to fix the engine in his tractor.

His wife cannot hear him and raises her arms in the air to indicate this. The farmers shouts over again louder this time and signals with his hand that he needs a pair of pliers to fix his tractor.

This carries on for a while with the farmer and his wife until eventually she makes out what he is saying.

As soon as she realized what he was saying she signaled back. She put both hands on her breasts, then on her crotch and then on her backside.

The farmer looked at her with a very puzzled stare, he couldn't believe what she was doing. His wife repeated this over and over until eventually the farmer gave up more...

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked,"You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of' 99!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of' 58."

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the president asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No" says Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. more...