Guide Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Cynics Guide to Life: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the more...

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible It's too hot, It's too cold and the accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said.
"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the irritated guide said, "but I've sat more...

A Cowboy`s Guide to Life1. Don`t squat with your spurs on.2. Don`t interfere with something that ain`t bothering you none.3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.4. Always drink upstream from the herd.5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don`t be surprised if they learn their lesson.7. If you`re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it`s still back there.8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.9. If you get to thinking you`re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else`s dog around.10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.""We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone.""Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune.""And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed."No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The seats in the bus are uncomfortable; the food is terrible; it's too hot; it's too cold; the accommodations are horrible; and on and on.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today, so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't come back tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So, I guess we won't be able to kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide more...

Woman's guide to sex:
Lay there and pretend to enjoy the experience and when it is done tell your partner it was the best you ever had.
Man's guide to sex"
In, Out repeat if necessary!

Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, thelargest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside. .. MADAM. .. MADAM. .., too late; George, dig her out."