Guards Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..."Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..."The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!"Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..." The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . " Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . " The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready. . . Aim. . . " The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Three guys are going to go to jail and each gets one request before they get put away for a year. The first guy says "I want a years supply of beer." So the guards give him his beer and put him away.

The next guy says "I want a woman." So they give him a woman and lock him up.

Then, the third guy says "I want a year's supply of cigarettes. So, they give him his cigarettes and lock him up.

A year goes by and the guards come around to let the three guys out. The first guy comes out totally drunk. The second guy says "We're getting married!"

Then, the third guy says "Anyone got a match?"

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . "

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . "

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . more...

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . " Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . " The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . " The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10, 000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

(This is original, copyright 1989 Tony Lovell)
The dew was still wet as the prisoner was let out into the yard for the last
time. The soldiers of the firing detail shuffled out to their usual
positions as the guards led the prisoner to the stake at the far end of the
paddock. There, he was securely bound as the captain of the guards stepped
forward to contend with the final courtesies.
"Blindfold?" he inquired.
"No, thank you," said the condemned.
The captain was a little taken aback at the difficulty and leaned forward so
as not to be heard.
"Please," he said, "take the blindfold. It is not an act of cowardice to be
spared this spectacle. It makes it MUCH easier for you."
The condemned thought for a moment and relented. The blindfold was tied
over his eyes.
"Cigarette?" offered the captain.
"No thanks," said the prisoner, "I don't more...