Grab Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following is the list of some new viruses going round in India.
Better beware of them.

P. V. Narasimha Rao Virus:
First of all, this virus reduces the CPU speed to 66Hz. Before
executing any instruction, it deleberates over it a number of times
and finally does nothing.

V. P. Singh Virus:
This virus reserves a quota for each instruction, and executes them
only according to the quota. Needless to say, the least used
instructions have a higher quota than the more used instructions.
This virus is also known as social justice virus.

Sukh Ram Virus:
This virus first swallows 10% of the bits in each instruction and
then executes them.

Maneka Gandhi Virus:
This is a green virus. It executes only those programmes that were
written by vegetarians or animals.

L. K. Advani Virus:
This virus pops up every now and then, and the only way you can
continue working is by more...

Warning: Any resemblance between this fictional piece and a real person is
most certainly accidental.
*ring* *ring*
"Hello! Local ISP, how can I help you?"
"Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak"
"Okay... well, do you have to go now?"
"Yes, I do"
"Okay... well, are you on male or female equipment?"
"MALE-CLONE..."
"Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly.."
"My what?"
"Your fly... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look
down"
"I see shoes"
"No, sir... look sorta in the front of you... like just below your
stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. That's your fly.."
"The round thing?"
"Well, that's your button... let's open that, too, while we're down
there. The fly looks like a lot of little metal things more...

Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Insert into your nostrils. Inhale your food.
Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.
Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.
After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?"
Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.
Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or she refuses, punch' em and proceed to make this meal yourself.
After finishing your more...

For those of you that remember the old Mitch Miller song "Sweet Violets" This is a crude take off on it... (p.s. - this is similar to Gizzers 'Sweet Violets' #604 but different, funnier and possibly cruder!)
There was a young farmer who lived on a rock
He liked to count sheep while he fingered his...
Marbles and toys as in days of old yore
And for a companion he had a young...
Maiden whose passion was playing with dolls
She told him she wanted to nuzzle his...
Sweet violets
Sweeter than the roses
Covered all over from head to toe
In sweet violets
The farmer was pleased with all of his luck
She claimed that she'd show him a new way to...
Bring up the children and teach them to knit
While the boys in the barnyard were shoveling...
Hay from the stables and filling the rick
He told her he'd let her grab hold of his...
Long middle finger which had a slight rash
To soothe it he jammed it right into more...

1 day a beautiful woman with amazing breasts walks into a store to shop. The owner is at the register and says to her "You are the most beautiful woman i have ever seen in my life." to which she thanks him...He continues to ring up her stuff and says "I've got a deal for you...If i drop $100 i get to fuck you until you pick it up as soon as you grab the $100 you can leave." The woman replies I am married and my husband would not like that...So she goes home and tells her husband about what happened to which he says "Honey, how hard could it be just grab the $100 and leave, he can't have sex with you that fast. So she returns the next day and tells the owner that she would like to participate. He says ok and they continue with the agreement. The lady goes home and her husband says "Ok, so what happened?" she says i got the $100..but he fucked me three times...her husband says "How did he manage to do that?" she replies..."The son of a more...

Always must win Never mind what they think Borrow but never return Outdo everyone you know Cheap is good Pay only when necessary Don't trust anyone Quit while you are ahead Everything also must grab! Rushing and pushing wins the race Free! Free! Free! Sample are always welcome Grab first talk later Take but don't give Help yourself to everything Unless it's free forget it I first, I want, I everything Vow to be number one Jump queue Winner takes it ALL! ALL! ALL! Keep coming back for more Yell if necessary to get what you want Look for discount Zebras are kiasu because they want to Must not lose face be both black and white at the same time

She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants
a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't
work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund
because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in
the air and starts screaming!
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the
store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and
asks, "What's wrong?"!
She explains the situation with the toaster.
He tells her that he can't give her a refund because
she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air
and starts screaming,
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am,
why are saying you that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED
WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!