Goldberg Jokes / Recent Jokes

Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling
down the street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen.
Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60's
asked the elderly lady-- "Mrs. Goldberg how are you
feeling?"

For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a
terrible stare and then she said -- "You ask me how
I'm feeling! I'll tell you how I'm feeling!! My legs
hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast
and I can't sleep!!! I have horrible headaches
and stomach pains too!"

The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with
compassion, "If you're feeling so awful, why don't you
come and see me right away?"

Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, "I was
just waiting until I felt a little better."

Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flowerdecoration of the altar. The catholic florist - $ 300. "Too expensive" moans the priest. The protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be right to buy atanother Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small." But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!! Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains thecontract. On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderfulroses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last reservations are discarded. When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificentflower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:"Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."

Easter is approaching. Father OMaley checks estimates for the flowerdecoration of the altar. The catholic florist - $ 300. "Too expensive" moans the priest. The protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be right to buy atanother Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small." But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!! Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains thecontract. On Easter Sunday morning, Goldbergs men deliver the flowers: wonderfulroses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. OMaleys last reservations are discarded. When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificentflower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:"Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."

Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."

Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol

By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd.

REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media.

The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U. S. Patent and Trademark Office.

"It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft`s Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems` trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named more...

Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flower decoration of the altar.
The catholic florist - $ 300. "Too expensive" moans the priest.
The protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be right to buy at another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small." But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!!
Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains the contract.
On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderful roses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last reservations are discarded.
When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificent flower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:
"Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."

Mrs. Goldberg was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"
"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.
"How much is just one?" she asked.
"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.
"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Goldberg.