Goldberg Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
    Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
    "Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.
    The wife answers and asks what he wants.
    Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
    The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!"
    "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

    If Ida Lupino married George Wendt, then divorced him to marry Ted Danson, divorced him to marry Alan Alda, then divorced him to marry Ted Knight, and divorced him to marry Shelly Long, she'd be Ida Wendt Danson Alda Knight Long.
    If Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushing, she'd be Whoopi Cushing.
    If Swoosie Kurtz married Patrick Swayze, she'd be Swoosie Swayze.
    If Flip Wilson married Les Aucoin, he'd be Flip Aucoin.
    If Barbara Hershey married John Candy, divorced him to marry Roseanne Barr, she'd be Barbara Hershey Candy Barr.
    If Julie Emry married Jeff Gillooly, divorced him to marry Darlene Hooley, then divorced her to marry Wes Cooley, she'd be Julie Gillooly Hooley Cooley.
    If Ivana Trump married Neil Diamond, divorced him to marry Jack Nicklaus, then divorced him to marry John Darling, she'd be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus Darling.
    If Julie London married Beau Bridges, divorced him and married composer Manuel de Falla, then married Hugh Downs, she'd be Julie more...

    Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd. REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media. The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U. S. Patent and Trademark Office. "It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named' ActiveX.' We talked about changing the name of' more...

    Mrs. Goldberg went to the doctor because she hadn't been "regular" in quite some time. The doctor examined her, found nothing unusual and attributed her problem to her diet and her age. He recommended that she take a laxative.
    "Doctor," Mrs. Goldberg admonished him, "remember - I'm kosher. Whatever you prescribe for me MUST be kosher!"
    "Mrs. Goldberg," he replied, "I want you to take Serutan and don't worry, it's kosher."
    "You're sure, doctor? You're absolutely positive it's kosher? Because if it's not kosher, I can't take it and I'd be very upset to find out it wasn't kosher!"
    "Mrs. Goldberg," the doctor assured her, "of course it's kosher. Serutan spelled backwards is NATURES and what could be more kosher than nature?"
    Reassured, Mrs. Goldberg left the office. Two weeks later, Mrs. Goldberg came storming into the doctor's office. "Doctor!" she screamed, "I'm so more...

    Mr Goldberg, from Pinsk, coming to America, shared a table in the ship's dining room with a Frenchman. Mr Goldberg could speak neither French nor English; the Frenchman could speak neither Russian nor Yiddish.

    The first day out, the Frenchman approached the table, bowed and said, "Bon appétit!"
    Goldberg, puzzled for a moment, bowed back and replied "Goldberg."

    Every day, at every meal, the same routine occured.

    On the fifth day, another passenger took Goldberg aside. "Listen, the Frenchman isn't telling you his name. He's saying' Good Appetite,' that's what' Bon appétit!' means."

    At the next meal, Mr Goldberg, beaming, bowed to the Frenchman and said, "Bon appétit!".
    And the Frenchman, beaming, replied: "Goldberg!"

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