Give Jokes / Recent Jokes

I'm hungry:

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

I'm thirsty:

"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

I need to go for a pee:

"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes more...

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I`ll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that`s not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I`m sorry, Hamish, that`s not right either. Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That`s absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I`ll give you the $20." As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business

It was a sweltering hot day when three guys, Arnold, Bobby and Calvin, were walking along a never-ending path in a park.
Arnold: It sure is hot! I'd like a vanilla cone very much.
Bobby: Yeah, my shirt's soak with sweat. I'd give 10 bucks for a strawberry cone.
Calvin: Well I'd give 20 bucks for any cone.
Arnold picks something off the ground saying, "Pay up Cal, here's a pine cone."

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!" The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have."The bartender replied back, "well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!"The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks! The bartender was amazed and says, "alright lets try one more". This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on more...

Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.
"I`ll tell her if you like," said the doctor. "I`ll lead up to it gradually." The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady`s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ˜round to money. "Tell me Mrs. Parkinson," he said, "what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?"
"Half a million?" said the old lady reflectively, "well you`ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I`d give half of it to you."
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line.
When the guided tour arrived, a salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This baby here," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. Ask it any question you wish and it will give you an intelligent answer."
A smartass stepped forward and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"
Suddenly, the electronic gears went to work. Lights flashed, wheels buzzed and within seconds, a small card popped out. The card read, "Fishing Off Florida."
"Ha!" laughed the smartass. "Actually, my father is dead! That was a trick question."
The quick thinking salesman immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps he might like to try rephrasing his question and try again.
"Ok," the smartass said, "where is my mother's husband?"
Again more...

An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!"
"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"$200", he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
"$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing more...