General Jokes / Recent Jokes

A blind man walked into A womens bar.He asked the bartender"do you wanna hear a blond joke?" the bar tender replied "I just wanted to let you know before you go on with your blond joke that the women beside you is a blond heavy weight champion, the blond on the other side of you is a blond boxer, and I am a blond body builder.I just wanted to make sure you knew this before you went on with your joke.Do you still want to?" the blind man got up and replied "No because I dont want to have to repeat it three times!" with that he walked out.
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A blonde was sitting in a canoe in the middle of a wheat feild. A SUV drove up next to the field and an other blonde stepped out. "Its blondes like you that give other blondes a bad name. So im gonna swim out there and tip over your canoe."
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"Some say blondes have more...

Three Generals got pensioned at the same time and they had a farewell party in NY. As a farewell present the men had got a sponsor to sponsor money for the Generals.

The idea was: “Give two points on your body, we will measure the difference between thw points and for every foot you will get 1000 USD”.

The Air force General “The top of my head and the botton of my feet” This was measured 6 feet 2? and he got 6000USD.

The Navy General streched his hand to the left and his foot to the right said “My left forefinger and my right big toe”. The distance was 8 feet and he got 8000 USD.

The Infanatry General: “From my nose to my dick! ” Everyone was astonished but he said “masure. ” The guy with the measuring tape: “But were is your Dick?? ”

General “In Viet-Nam! ”

* Note: I am unsure whether this is true, but it is still funny.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to more...

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General`s office. "Since we weren`t actually at war," the General began, "I can`t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we`ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We`ll start on the left, boys, so what`ll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that`s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that`s 72 inches more...

Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking cigarettes while masturbating could cause personal injury. Recommend taking a class to adequately prepare for such a task.
Surgeon General's Warning: Don't take this fine print too seriously; the feds make us print it.
Surgeon General's Warning: 100% pure tax.
Surgeon General's Warning: No matter how hard you try, you'll never look as cool as Bogart.
Surgeon General's Warning: This cigarette mascot has phallic facial features.
Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking during pregnancy can cause your baby to look like Herve Villacheze.
Surgeon General's Warning: If you actually wear the free clothing you get from collecting multiple empty cigarette packs, you will look like a moron.
Surgeon General's Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that cigarette smoking may cause women to look like cheap, sleazy sluts.
Surgeon General's Warning: Keith Richards is a fluke.
Surgeon General's Wwarning: The Surgeon General has more...

MEMORANDUM From: Headquarters To: General Managers Next Thursday at 10: 30 Halley’s Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day’s observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet. MEMORANDUM From: General Manager To: Managers By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10: 30, Halley’s Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day’s work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Manager To: All Department Chiefs By order of the phenomenal vice-president, at 10: 30 next Thursday, Halley’s Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the company lawn, the executive vice-president will give more...

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.