Friend Jokes / Recent Jokes

A musician arrived at the pearly gates. "What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter. "I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra" "Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal." So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic].
As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?" "Oh, he's O. K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."

The other day some friends and I were discussing one of the few
recurrent philosophical topics that come up in our conversations:
society as a whole. It was taking its usual course; one of my friends
insisted that society was going to hell, the other was somewhat
neutral, and I thought that people were simply becoming more tolerant
of differences.
My first friend announced (again) that society was on a steady
down-hill road. "Everyone today," she said, "is either messed up in
the head, a druggie, or a nymphomaniac."
My other friend laughed and nodded. Never having heard the word
before, I puzzled over what' nymphomaniac' could mean.
Trying not to sound stupid, I swallowed my pride and asked, "What's
that?"
"A girl who's obsessed with sex," explained my second friend.
I paused for a moment, thinking. I then turned and asked them, "Then
what is a guy obsessed with more...

Two scientists are talking in a lab one day and one says to the other, "Wait till you see my latest discovery. It'll blow your mind!" Naturally intrigued, the second scientist asks for a demonstration of this amazing discovery. At his request, the first scientist gets a spider out of a matchbox, places it on the desk and says, "Spider FORWARDS!" At his command, the spider moves forwards. The scientist then says, "Spider, TURN AROUND", to which the spider obeys. The scientist then says "Spider, FORWARDS", and again the spider does exactly as it is told. The second scientist, impressed with his friend's command of the spider, congratulates him on his work.

The first scientist then replies, "No, you haven't seen my discovery yet. Wait till you see *THIS*", and he then pulls all of the spiders legs off and places it back on the desk. The first scientist then repeats his order to the spider "Spider, FORWARDS", but the more...

You go to a party and you see a SEXY girl across the room. You go up to her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed, what about it?".
That's direct marketing.
You go to a party and you see a SEXY girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, what about it?".
That's advertising.
You go to a party, you see a SEXY girl across the room. She comes over and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, what about it?"
Now that is the power of branding!

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your private areas.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted more...

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.
It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".
He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.
He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".
She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"