Friend Jokes / Recent Jokes

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left - phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 - are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it...
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but more...

This old lady was complaining to her friend about a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested that maybe she had an STD. The old lady replied "that's impossible because I am a virgin". To solve the problem the old lady went to the doctor for check up. After the exam the doctor said: " I have good news and bad news, the good news is that you are clean of all STD'S. The bad news is that you have fruit flies because your cherry is rotten"

Sven and Osmond are good friends.
Each day, they get together after work and have a shot in a local bar.
This is a tradition that goes on for some time.
One day, Osmond says to Sven, "Sven, if I die before you, promise me that you will have a shot for me, each day."
Sven considers this and agrees.
Well, sure enough, Osmond dies, and sure enough, Sven has an extra shot for him every day after work.
This goes on for some time, and the waitress is quite familiar with the ritual and the reason.
One day, Sven comes in and orders one drink. Well, the waitress is shock, and says, "But, Sven, aren't you going to have another drink for your friend, as usual?"
Sven says, "Well, you see, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but I don't think that Osmond should be punished for that."

2 guys decide to go down to Mexico and start a bungee jumping business. So they go down to Mexico and start setting up the equipment on a bridge while a curious crowd gathers at the bottom of the bridge and watches. Once the equipment is set up one of the friends decides to test out the stuff. So he sets off and as he bounces back up the first time he comes up with a bloody lip. The second time he bounced back up he had a black eye and a gash on his face to go along with the bloody lip. The other friend tried to catch him but missed. The third time he came back up his face was swollen on the right side and he had blood all over his face. The friend finally caught the other man and tried to tend to the wounds. He asks the friend if the cord was too long.
The friend replies, "No...Cord....fine...."
The first friend cries out, "Well what the hell happened down there??"
The second friends slowly replies, "What...the....hell... is a...pinata?"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did more...

Marty and Jane were driving home after an expensive - yet bland -
dinner. Since Marty's minor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept
her hubby on a strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet,
depriving him of all the foods he loved.
As Marty turned the corner at a busy intersection, another car slammed
into theirs, killing Marty and Jane instantly.
St. Peter greeted the couple at the Pearly Gates and took them on a
tour of Heaven. Their first stop was a luxury mansion, "Your new
home," St. Peter told them.
Looking at the expensive marble floors, Marty asked, "How much is this
going to cost us?"
"Nothing," St. Peter replied. "Everything is free in Heaven."
Next, they visited their new championship-style golf course.
"This is your private golf course," St. Peter said. "It changes daily,
representing the greatest golf courses on Earth."
"What are the green more...