Forward Jokes / Recent Jokes

Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is' Microsoft'?" Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called' Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" Data "Yes, Captain. But when' Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an' upgrade'. The use of resources increases more...

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!!. .."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!. .. Aim!!..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready!. .. Aim!!. .."
. ..and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

I eat puppies, kittens, and other cute animals, and sending me pictures of them only makes me hungry for more.

I’ve been on the Internet forever and have already seen/heard/smelled whatever you’re sending before.
You’d like me to remain your friend.

I don’t care if the kid dies from cancer.
I have a sense of humor and that joke isn’t remotely funny.
If you forward that message to ten of your friends then a unicorn dies.

You’ll prove once and for all that I’m smarter than you.
I am actually hoping to get robbed/mugged/carjacked.
If I wanted to see pictures of babies, I’d buy an Anne Geddes book.

If it doesn’t have to do with making my penis bigger then I don’t want it in my Inbox.

Bill Gates already sent me my free Xbox, $1000, and tickets to Disney. I don’t want to be greedy.

A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.
Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.
Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.
Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.
Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."
Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.
Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.
Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts more...

Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.
Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class.
Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."
Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.
Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...
Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of more...

A man passed away and went to Heaven. Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter said,' Come on in. I'll show you >around. I really think you'll like it here.' Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter,' what's the deal with all the clocks?' St. Peter replied,' they keep track of everybody on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie, his clock moves forward one minute. For instance,this clock belongs to Sam, a used car salesman. If you watch it closely,it will move any second.' Click! The minute hand on Sam's clock moved forward one minute. Click! It moved forward another minute.' Sam must be closing on a deal right now,' said St. Peter.' The minute hand on his clock moves all day long.'

The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a clock covered with more...