Followed Jokes / Recent Jokes

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:Thank you for calling heaven.For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.If you would like to speak to:God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

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A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it.
The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.'
He purchased the brass rat and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked - the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did - and all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, 'Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?'
'Nope,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!'

The other day I saw a' 'Honk if you love Jesus'' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,' 'For the love of GOD! GO, GO!! Jesus Christ, GO!!'' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times more...

A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.'
He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked - the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did - and all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, 'Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?'
'Nope,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!'

A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.'He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked - the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did - and all the rats drowned.He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, 'Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?''Nope,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!'

The sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "F***, missed!" each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it anymore.
"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you".
It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "F***, missed!!". Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign".
It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "F***, missed!!". A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.
A voice was heard in the clouds "F***, missed!!".

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped in a forest. One day the brunette goes out hunting. She comes back and has a big dead deer. The blonde and the redhead are impressed. They ask her how she did it and she says "I found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The next day the redhead goes out hunting and comes back with a big dead deer. The blonde and brunette ask her how she did it and she says "I found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The next day the blonde goes out and comes back and is all mangled. The brunette and the redhead ask her what happened and the blonde says "I found the tracks, followed them and got hit by a train."