Fly Jokes / Recent Jokes
Once upon a time there was a nonconforming swallow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, when the weather turned very cold, he reluctantly started to fly southwards. In a short time ice began to form on its wings and it fell to earth in a barnyard frozen still.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little swallow. The swallow thought it was the end. But the dung warmed it and defrosted its wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, it started to chirp. Just then a large torn cat came by and hearing the chirping, found out where it was coming from, clawed away the dung and swallowed the swallow.
Moral: Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy; everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend; and if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
If a flea and a fly pass each other what time is it? Fly past flea.
Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter is waiting for them at the gates of heaven and as they walk up he says "In order for you to get into heaven, you each have to answer one question." The nuns say ok and the first nun walks up.
St. Peter says "Who was the first man on Earth?"
The nun thinks for a little bit and finally says "that's easy, Adam." Bells ring, angels sing, doors fly open, nun walks in.
The second nun walks up and St. Peter says "Who was the first woman on Earth?"
The nun thinks for a little bit and says "That's easy, Eve." Bells ring, angels sing, doors fly open, nun walks in.
The third nun walks up and St. Peter says "Ok, what were the last words Eve said to Adam before Adam left the Garden of Eden?"
The nun, not having the slightest idea, thought for a long time and finally said "Boy, that's a hard one..."
Bells ring, more...
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los more...
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"
Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Frog
1. You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup.
2. You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly.
3. French chefs are eyeing your legs and appear to be following you.
4. Bug lamps appear to you as a curse.
5. On applications, you list' Pond' as your home address.
6. Kermit is your idol.
7. You get mad whenever Miss Piggy makes a pass at Kermit.
8. Have seen the movie' The Fly' at least ten times
9. You live in fear that someday you will wind up in a child's aquarium.
10. France is the evil empire to you.