Floor Jokes / Recent Jokes

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had more...

A man who had raped 5 women, who had killed 10 men with his bare hands, who had molested 15 children and who had voted for democrats died. As per the age old practise the Satan let him choose the fashion in which he was to spend all eternity.
Behind this first door was the old familiar room with a floor of knobbed iron. As far as the eye could see, there were people standing on their heads. The iron knobs dug into their skulls and the man shuddered as he heard their pathetic moans of pain. "Not for me," he said, and slammed the door.
The second door as again you know was leading to a vast room with more people standing on their heads, this time on a hard wood floor, rife with splinters. The man backed away from the cries of pain and slammed this door as well.
Finally, with sinking heart, the man opened the third door. Here an entirely different sight met his eyes: In this room Mr. Clinton was having a jolly good time naked in bed with Julia Roberts. "This is more...

One day, a woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing
reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its
cost. The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot
see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and
be of more help."
So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said,
"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40. 00." The woman decided to
take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she
broke wind. The owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be
fifty dollars."
"Fifty dollars!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me forty dollars."
"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck
call is another $7. 50 and the stink bait is $2. 50."

When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away... the time to be spent doing chores every day.I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.I'll spill glasses of more...

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the. 75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your more...

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden more...