Flat Jokes

A happily married man, Irving Topper, found himself driving through a badly paved country road in upstate Rhinebeck, New York. A sudden flat tire sent the car wobbling to a standstill.
The lights in a nearby health manor invited Topper to rap on the door. An attractive lady opened the door and asked what she could do for him. He told her his problem and wondered if he could seek the shelter of her house until dawn, whe he would repair the flat. The lady agreed and invited him into her parlor.
One word led to another; one drink let to another; one touch led to another. Irving Topper was soon divested of his clothes and snuggling in the lady's bed with an equally naked lady.
In the morning Topper thanked her for her hospitality, told her his name was Herman Thompson, changed his tire, and drove off.
About six months later, Topper received a call from his friend Herman Thompson.
"Hey," said Thompson, "did you ever give my name to a lady in Rhinebeck, more...

Superman and Spiderman
Superman and Spiderman are standing at a bar, Superman is looking a
bit down, - What's the matter? asks Spiderman. - Well to tell you the
truth, I haven't had "IT" for months and it's really getting to me, comes
the reply. - It's funny you should say that, on the way here I was
swinging past Wonder Womans flat and she was lying on her bed in the
altogether with her legs akimbo says Spiderman with a grin... - What do
you mean? asks Superman - Well with your powers you could dive in, do
the business and be out before she knows what hit her Spiderman
replies. - OK I'll do it........ Off he goes to Wonder Womans flat and
sure enough she's still lying on her bed as if waiting for something!! He
shoots through the window, does the job and flys back to the bar. -
Bloody hell says Wonder Woman, what was that? - I don't know - but
my arse is in pieces replied the Invisible Man

Out All Night Drinking An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders ahamburger.The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it inhis bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill.The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've everseen!"The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in themorning when he makes the doughnuts!"and orders ahamburger.The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it inhis bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill.The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've everseen!"The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in themorning when he makes the doughnuts!"