Employment Jokes / Recent Jokes
A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk. "So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father. "I am a theology scholar," replies the fiance. "Do you have any plans of employment?" "I will study and God will provide." "What about the children?" asks the man. "God will provide." "And your house and car?" "Again, God will provide," says the fiance. After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, "So what did you two talk about?" The man replies, "He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."
Rejection Letter RejectEver wonder what to do when those rejection letters start pilingup? Well here's a suggestion:- - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -[Date Today]Dear Mr. Kennelly:Thank you for your letter of April 17. After carefulconsideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to acceptyour refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year Ihave been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually largenumber of rejection letters. With such a varied and promisingfield of candidates it is impossible for me to accept allrefusals.Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previousexperience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejectiondoes not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I willinitiate employment with your firm immediately followinggraduation. I look forward to seeing you then.Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.Sincerely, [Your name here]
*** How to interpret employment ads
"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less
than our competitors.
"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train
you.
"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect
that you will dress up.
"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind
schedule on your first day.
"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time
each weekend.
"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you
around.
"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.
"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You
will need to replace three people who just left.
"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a
company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from more...
My head injuries have created a permanent increase in libido which has led to two affairs and has ruined my marriage.
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:
Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],
Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.
Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. - get creative here]. I look forward more...
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You`d be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider`s home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I`ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody`s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following more...