Email Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately! Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty.
    It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone's autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some)to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair more...

    User: I want some answers.
    Administrator: You want answers?
    User: I think I'm entitled to them.
    Administrator: You want answers?
    User: I want the truth!
    Administrator: You can't handle the truth!
    We live in a world that has Computers, and those Computers have to be
    connected by people with a clue.
    Who's gonna do it? You?
    You users make me sick. I have a greater responsibility than you can
    possibly fathom.
    You weep for your email and you curse the local administrator.
    You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that
    this network, while screwed up, and confusing to you, probably saved time.
    And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves time.
    You don't want the truth, because deep down, in places you don't talk about
    at parties, you want us in this office.
    You need us in this office.
    We use words like DNS, LDAP, and SCRIPTS...we use these words as the
    backbone to a more...

    This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
    I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the more...

    Virtual breasts
    First there were email smilies and now there are email breasts
    For those men out there - Feast your eyes upon these beauties.
    For those women out there - be thankful you dont suffer from grandma breasts!!!
    (o)(o) perfect breasts
    ( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
    (*)(*) high nipple breasts
    (@)(@) big nipple breasts
    oo a cups
    { O }{ O } d cups
    (oYo) wonder bra breasts
    ( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
    (o)(O) lopsided breasts
    Q.Q. pierced breasts
    (p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
    (:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts
    o/ o/ grandma's breasts
    ( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
    < o >< o > electric shock breasts
    |o||o| android breasts
    (%)(o) extra nipple breasts
    ($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
    =~= =~= Mammogram breasts
    )= )= I have to stop opening the freezer naked breasts...

    Top 10 Resolutions You Won't Keep This Year (for Nerds)
    10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
    9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.
    8. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
    7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
    6. When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
    5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
    4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
    3. I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
    2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
    1. I won't try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.
    0. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
    -1. I will read the manual.
    -2. I will think of a password more...

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