Drive Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"The guy replied, "24 years."St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was more...
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
10. The first Southern expression to more...
You Know You're From Connecticut When...
You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party.
You never went to a bar in high school.
You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84.
You thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm
You actually thought that Hartford was big
You or someone you know has attended UCONN
You drive a JETTA
You still think that the Whalers are cool.
You have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place.
There is a farm within miles of your house
You thought bars were really for people over 21
Your high school thanksgiving football game was the highlight of your school year.
You don't have an accent when you talk.
You have known at least 2 preppy rich kids from Fairfield who listen to Phish.
You love Hilton Kaderli and your mom cried when he retired.
UConn basketball rules and no one can tell you different
You have deer in your backyard.
You didn't more...
1. You can name everyone you graduated with
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home
3. You know what 4-H is
4. You ever went to "headlight parties"
5. You used to drag "main"
6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't
8. You ever went cow-tipping
9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties
10. You have parties at the same guy's house
12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events
13. The town social events are their children's
14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)
15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and more...
Driving Lesson: Shanavas was just past 18 years. He wanted to learn how to drive a car. So he approached Shamudeen. Shamudeen agreed and he taught him for a month. At the end of the month, when there was just one more lesson to be finished, Shamu said "Shanavas, you are doing very well. This is the last lesson about the use of Indicators. After finishing the lesson, you drive alone to the city and come back." Shanavas nodded. After the lesson was over, he drove the car towards the main road. Fifteen minutes later, Shamu got a call from the Medical College casualty that Shanavas was admitted after a R. T. A. He rushed to the Casualty and found Shanavas lying in the trolley wih lots of bruises. Seeing Shamu, Shanavas went mad and shouted. "What man? What did you teach me? A vehicle with an indicator on top came rushing just after the Ulloor junction. I thought it would go up. But it came and crashed on to the car!" (The vehicle was an Ambulance!)
A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?"
"Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded. "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered."
This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?
"Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered."
Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive."
"Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here," pointing to his head, "to here," more...