Disk Jokes / Recent Jokes

By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If more...

"'Tis the night before Christmas," I thought with a frown.
I was stuck at the office. The network was down.
The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed.
Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed.
Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun,
Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run
On 84 desktops way down in accounting.
I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
I saw that a server had something the matter.
There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive.
"No problem," I thought. "I'm set up with RAID 5."
But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable
Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable!
"No problem," I thought. "I've tape backup to thank."
And then I discovered my backups were blank.
The UPS burped, and its lights all went out.
I started to scream! I more...

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret more...

Here's an easy game to play.
> Here's an easy thing to say.
>
> If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
> And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
> And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort.
> Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
> If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
> And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
> And your data is corrupted' cause the index doesn't hash.
> Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
>
> You can't say this?
> What a shame sir!
> We'll find you another game, sir!
>
> If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
> Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
> But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
> That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
> And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of more...

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the it to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.9. Use Interactive Send to more...

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.
1. Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
2. Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
3. Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
4. Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:
5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
6. Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.
8. Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
9. Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
10. more...

March 1 Wall Street Journal
Reprinted without permission
Edited for content
BEFUDDLED PC USERS FLOOD HELP LINES, AND NO QUESTION SEEMS TO BE TOO BASIC
AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operations.
Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer more...