Diner Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
    The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. more...

    You Know You're From Connecticut When...
    You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party.
    You never went to a bar in high school.
    You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84.
    You thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm
    You actually thought that Hartford was big
    You or someone you know has attended UCONN
    You drive a JETTA
    You still think that the Whalers are cool.
    You have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place.
    There is a farm within miles of your house
    You thought bars were really for people over 21
    Your high school thanksgiving football game was the highlight of your school year.
    You don't have an accent when you talk.
    You have known at least 2 preppy rich kids from Fairfield who listen to Phish.
    You love Hilton Kaderli and your mom cried when he retired.
    UConn basketball rules and no one can tell you different
    You have deer in your backyard.
    You didn't more...

    A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
    The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.
    "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
    Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."
    The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."
    Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.
    The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
    He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"
    She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
    The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?
    "No," she says.
    The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

    An old Jewish man goes to his local diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal.
    The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."
    So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread", comes the reply.
    So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread", comes the reply.
    So... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread", comes the reply once again.
    The manager is more...

    Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager. A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either. Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? A: The outside. Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A: A walkie-talkie, of course. Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable. Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs. Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause. Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails? A: To the retail store. Q: What kind of dog tells time? A: A watch dog.

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