Department Jokes / Recent Jokes
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWYERS Government Department of Fish and "WildLife" Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a more...
The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris, France, and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intentlystudied the array of lacy underthings and the sales lady bustledover to him. "Do you have something in mind?" she asked."I certainly do, ma'am," the American emphatically replied. "That'swhy I want a nice gift."
Wifespeak/Translation
You want: You want
We need: I want
It's your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want: You'll pay for this later
We need to talk: I need to complain
Sure...go ahead: I don't want you to.
I'm not upset: Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting!: I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.
I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper....
I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me?: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?: I did something today more...
After learning that Kim Jong-il had ordered and completed a test of North Korea’s nuclear weapons, Assistant Secretary of State, Christopher Hill was quoted as saying, “He’s really going to rue the day he made this decision.” After that, Hill was also quoted as saying, “Rats! Foiled again!” and “Jinkies!”
It’s possible that our friends in the State Department watch a bit too much Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Wifespeak/Translation You want: You wantWe need: I wantIt's your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by nowDo what you want: You'll pay for this laterWe need to talk: I need to complainSure...go ahead: I don't want you to.I'm not upset: Of course I'm upset, you moron.You're so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.You're certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting!: I'm on my period.Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper....I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of whiteHang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.Do you love me?: I'm going to ask for something expensive.How much do you love me?: I did something today you're really not going to like.I'll be ready in a minute: Kick off your shoes and find more...
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"Appearance: You are at your computer writing more...
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me." "WHAT!?" says her husband. The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn’t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don’t even play more...