Defendant Jokes / Recent Jokes

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things that people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500. Q: Sir, what is more...

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to
his lawyer.
If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.?
It's in the judge's hands now, said the lawyer.
Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars??
Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like
that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you
in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the
judge.
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of
the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, Thanks
for the tip about the cigars. It worked!?
I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them.
But I did send them.
What?? You did?
Yes. That's how we won the case.
I don't understand, said the lawyer.
It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the
plaintiff's business card.

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we won."

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of
cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical
behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in
contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if
you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the more...

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
The judge ordered Taylor, “You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can. ”
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, “You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split. ”

Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Looking down at the defendant, the judge said, "Mr. Riley, I've decided to give you a suspended sentence."
Tears pouring from his eyes, Riley cried, "Oh, thank you, Your Honor!"
"Don't thank me," the judge replied. "I'm sentencing you to be hanged."