Defendant Jokes / Recent Jokes

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women: Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea." Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?" Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes, we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about more...

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11: 45 p. m., in the locale known generally as' Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"

"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.

"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Mazdas."

Judge: Are you defending yourself?
Defendant: Yes, your Honor.
Judge: You know that if you cannot afford it, the State may appoint you a lawyer.
Defendant: I know, your Honor, but I don't want one. I plan to tell the truth.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

' If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.'

' It's in the judge's hands now,' said the lawyer.

' Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?'

' Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.'

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,' Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!'

' I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them.'

' But, I did send them.'

' What? You did?' said the lawyer, incredulously.

' Yes. That's how we won the case.'

' I don't understand,' said the lawyer.

' It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, more...

A lawyer, who was defending a man accused of burglary, tried this creative defense:
"Your Honor, my client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few insignificant items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not. The choice is his."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.""Your Honor," the criminal said, "thats what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldnt listen."