Deep Jokes / Recent Jokes

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act,

I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for more...

A golfer was standing in the fairway, about 140 yards out, when a frog whispered from the rough, "Use an 8-iron."
The golfer, deep in concentration, pulled out his 8-iron and hit the shot. It rolled right into the cup for an eagle.
"Now take me to Vegas," said the frog.
"What?" said the startled golfer, suddenly realizing it was a talking frog.
"You heard me," repeated the frog, "take me to Vegas. I'm obviously a lucky fog and we'll make a bundle!"
So the golfer picked up the frog and they flew to Vegas.
In the casino, the frog whispered, "Go to the dice table and bet everything on the pass line."
The shooter rolled a seven, and the man with the frog won $100, 000. Then the guy took the frog upstairs to his room and the frog said, "Kiss me."
When he did, the frog turned into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen - deep blue eyes, blond hair, a beautiful smile, and 16 years more...

Dr. Smith," said the woman in a very deep voice, "I? I hate to say it, but I think you overdid it on the hormone pills."
"Don't worry," the doctor assured her. "A deep voice is a natural development. It will only last a few days."
"But I've also sprouted hair on my chest," she said.
"Really? And how far down does it reach?"
She replied, "All the way to my balls."

So you don't know Jack Schitt He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt.

So Ole was hiking in the mountains of Norway and he slips on a wet rock and he falls over the edge of a five-hundred-foot cliff, and he falls twenty feet and he grabs hold of a bush that`s growing out of a rock. And there he is, he`s hanging looking down at this deep fjord down below him certain death and his hands start to perspire and he starts to slip on this bush and he yells out, "Is anybody up there?" And he heard a deep voice rings out in the fjord, "I`m here, Ole. It`s the Lord, Ole. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you." Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he says, "Is anyone else up there?"

Dear Agony Aunt
I would be most grateful for any advice anyone could give on this matter of deep concern to me.
For sometime now I've suspected that my wife may be having an affair.? You know the sort of thing.? The phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.? Recently she has started going out' with the girls' a lot and when I ask which girls it's always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always used to keep an eye out for her taxi coming home but now she always walks up to the flat although I can hear a car setting off as if she has just got out of one around the corner.? The other day I picked up her mobile, just to see what time it was, and she went mental, screaming at me that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her.? I kind of think deep down I don't really want to know the truth. But then last night she went out again and I decided that I would check more...

When someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt..."
Now you'll know the rest of the story.
"Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the produced six children.
Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt.
Deep Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of baby Schitt.
Now you know Jack Schitt!"