Cut Jokes / Recent Jokes

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums more...

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?" "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him - "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: I'M HUNGRY. I'm hungry. I'M SLEEPY. I'm sleepy. I'M TIRED. I'm tired. I'VE GOTTA GO. Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHAT'S WRONG? I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. WHAT'S WRONG? What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. I liked it better before. YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.$50 and it doesn't look that much different! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! LET'S TALK, HONEY. I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. WILL YOU MARRY ME? I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. WILL YOU MARRY ME? I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

A rascal had no money for the New Year's Day and this worried his wife. The rascal said, "You may rest assured, everything will be all right." Later when he saw a barber passing by, he had a brainstorm, and he thought up a clever scheme. He asked the barber to give him a hair cut. "Could you cut my eyebrows off," said the rascal after the barber had begun cutting. When one of his brows was shaved, he shouted, "Barbers never cut eyebrows! This is an unheard of absurdity!" With these words the rascal seized the barber by the collar, and took him to the court to seek justice. The barber was frightened, and had to pay 100 copper cash to settle the matter. Having extorted the money, the rascal spent a happy New Year's Day. Seeing that one of her husband's eyebrows had disappeared, his wife suggested, "you'd better have the other day brow shaved off too." "Don't you understand what my next move is?", said the rascal. "This brow will be more...

A man goes into his regular barber shop, sits down at the chair and the barber ask him how he would like his hair cut this time.

The customer replied, "Well, lets see. Leave the left side long, take quite a bit off the right side to make it really short. I want the very back to have a mohawk and the front and top to be spotty and irregular."

The barber was astonished and said he could not cut hair that way.

"Why not," the customer replied, "you cut it that way last time!"

This blond goes in to a salon to get her hair cut. She's wearing a pair of headphones, and the stylist says that he can't cut her hair with the headphones on.
She replies "No, you have to cut around the headphones, I can't take them off".
They argue about this for a few minutes, he finally agrees to cut her hair around the headphones, but he will have to charge her extra. She says, "That's ok, go ahead and cut it".
So he cuts her hair, and although it looks strange because of the headphones, she's happy with it. So a few weeks later she comes in again.
Again she wants her hair cut around the headphones. He says, "No way, not this time, this time I'm taking the headphones off".
So he takes off the headphones and throws them on the floor. He starts cutting her hair, and a few minutes later, she falls out of the chair to the floor, dead.
He wonders what in the world is happening, so he picks up the headphones and puts them more...

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed the ham in a pan for baking.
Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?
And she replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."