Crisis Jokes / Recent Jokes

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

1. How to get rid of nuclear waste:
Sending nuclear waste into the sun is expensive, because of the amount of
energy expended in getting it out of Earth's gravity well, which is most
probably more energy than was obtained from the fuel in the first place.
The best way to get rid of nuclear waste is to put it on the government
surplus list. People will bid on anything if they think they are getting
a good deal. And as for the damage it will cause, frankly do you really
care what happens to people stupid enough to buy something that is clearly
marked "Hazardous Nuclear Waste?"
2. How to fund private space concerns:
This is a twofold problem: first the difficulty with Congress, and second
the lack of funding. Both these problems can be solved in one simple
manner. Make slavery legal again. All the work on the Constitution has
already been done; you merely need repeal the Emancipation Proclamation.
Now, since congressmen more...

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis: If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea. If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out. If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.

Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.
Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.
On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had more...

Twas the night before crisis, And all through the house, Not a program was working, Not even a browse.Programmers were wrung out, Too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutoverHadn't a prayer.The users were nestledAll snug in their beds, While visions of inquiriesDanced in their heads.When out in the lobbyThere arose such a clatter, That I sprang from my tubeTo see what was the matter.And what to my wonderingEyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, Oblivious to fear.More rapid than eagles, His programs they cameAnd he whistled and shoutedAnd called them by name.On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, His fingers were lean, From weekends and nightsSpent in front of a screen.A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head, Soon gave me to knowI had nothing to dread.He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work, Turning specs into code, Then he turned with a jerk.And laying his fingersUpon the ENTER key, more...

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it`s getting worse.

Following last week`s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Made in JapanThere was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a more...

There cannot be a crisis today. My schedule is already full.