Control Jokes / Recent Jokes

I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos. The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the "capsule" until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave. On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time. Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gent ler military officers we were, told her "No problem. Just send down the frozen meals more...

There are three guys talking in a pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives; the third remains quiet.
After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked.
"She said, 'Get outo from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

There are three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and
uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

TOP 10 LINES FROM STAR WARS
10) "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9) "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8) "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7) "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6) "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5) "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4) "Sorry about the mess..."
3) "Look at the size of that thing!"
2) "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1) "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
TOP 10 LINES FROM THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
10) "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
9) "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
8) "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
7) "But now we must eat. Come, more...

You are only truly in control of your life when you accept you are not.

A guy comes home from work and sees a gorilla on his roof. so he calls up animal control and says look im not crazy but i came home and theres a gorilla on my roof. the lady says ok thats the gorilla that escaped from the zoo this morning we will have a guy there in 5 minutes so 5 minutes later a guy pulls up in a huge flatbed truck with a cage a dog and a shotgun so the guy says i know its none of my buisness but how do you plan on getting that gorilla off my roof? and the animal control guy says i plan to climb up there and throw the gorilla off the roof and when i do this dog is trained to grab the object by the testicals to sudate him then i will stick him in the truck and go. the home owner says wow thats really smart but... whats the shotgun for? and he says now if by chance i go up there and the gorilla throws me off i want u to shoot the dog.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.