Confess Jokes / Recent Jokes

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says:"You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in." The second says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in. Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks *What's going on? One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there.

An old miser, because of his exceptional thrift, had no friends. Just before he died he called his doctor, lawyer and minister together around his bedside. "I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90, 000 in cash under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of $30, 000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on me you throw the envelopes in."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel exactly right, I am going to confess, I needed $10, 000 badly for a new church we are building, so I took out $10, 000 and threw only $20, 000 in the grave."

The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20, 000 and threw in only $10, 000."

The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of more...

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I... I have
something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your Sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand,
tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to
move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest . Shhhh. Don't talk."
He was insistent."Susan, " he said in his tired voice." I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess", replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to
sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother"!
"I know," she replied...
"That's why I poisoned you."

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess" replied the weeping John. "It's all right. everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word".

The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I more...

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90, 000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30, 000 within."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10, 000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20, 000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20, 000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10, 000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw more...