Club Jokes / Recent Jokes

For Christmas last year my wife gave me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity Internet Web team in college, I decided it was a good idea to try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. I thought y'all might enjoy my journal:
Day 1:
Started the morning at 5:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club, Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about 30-50 points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was more...

Moshe Rabbinowitz decides to join the country club near his home. He goes in and is turned down flat because he does not meet their "standards." So he enrolls in the finest schools to learn the art of being culturally rich. Moshe learns to cook the finest of foods, appreciate the best art, drive the best car, wear the classiest suits, etc. He even hires Professor Henry Higgins to educate him in the proper speech and behavior.The big day arrives. Martin James Roget arrives at the country club forhis interview. "Tea?" the interviewer asks. "Earl Grey, hot please." "Hobbies?" "Polo, racket ball, hunting." "Religion?" "Goy."

For Christmas this year my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
The club suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was more...

One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: "Elvis just died!"

The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career move."

"Any Club That'd Have Me for a Member..."

Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said "Hell, I'm no actor, and I've got thirty movies to prove it!"

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic-clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1:
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. more...

Andy was out playing golf when his ball landed on the rough in a patch of buttercups. Just as he lifted his club in the air, he heard a faint voice, "Please, don't hurt my buttercup."
Startled, he lowered his club and took a look around to confirm that he was alone. Satisfied that he was, he began to raise his club when he again heard the same voice, a little louder this time, "Please, don't hurt my buttercups."
Unsure of what to make of it, he spoke aloud, "Hello? Is anyone out there?" Immediately, a small fairy appeared before him. "I am the forest fairy. If you don't hurt my buttercups, then I shall give you all the butter you want for the rest of your life."
"Where the hell were you when I was in the pussywillows?" Andy replied.

A man and his three friends are driving around one day when they happen to crash into the side of a bridge and completely wreck their car. While his three friends remained intact, the man had lost an eye and had to be rushed to the hospital. Once he arrived there, he discovered to his horror that they were out of glass replacement eyes, so they would have to give him a wooden eye.

Because he was so ashamed of becoming a freak with a wooden eye, the man refused to leave the hospital until they discharged him a week later, and then for several weeks after he stayed in his house with no contact to the outside world. His friends, feeling incredibly guilty for their lack of injury, decided to take him out to a club to try and cheer him up.

Though he was reluctant, he accepted. Once they were at the club, his three friends began dancing with girls, while he felt too shy about his eye to ask anyone. As the night wore on, he became more self-assured, and started asking more...