Chalk Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Little Leroy was always getting into trouble with his mother. One day his mother was in the kitchen doing the dishes and she looks out and sees that little Leroy has tied up the cat. She says to herself "what is that little shit doing to that damn cat this time?"
    Little Leroy leaves the cat lying in the grass next to the driveway and runs into the house and asks his mother for a piece of chalk and some M&M's.
    She thinks for a minute and realizes that not even little Leroy can harm the cat with chalk and M&M's. She gives Leroy the chalk and M&M's and he runs outside.
    He sets the M&M's next to the cat and takes the chalk and draws a line all the way down the drive way. Mom sees this and says to herself what is that damn boy doing? She is very curious so she stands there and watches.
    Little Leroy goes back to where the cat is lying in the grass and picks up the cat and his M&M's.
    He then goes over and sits down on the chalk line. He then proceeds to pop the more...

    ** Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

    ** Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

    ** To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    ** Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan and the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.

    ** To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

    ** To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top.

    ** Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces and there won't be any stains.

    ** When a cake recipe calls for flouring more...

    Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
    you prove who you really are?"
    Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
    Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
    Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
    The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
    Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
    Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
    Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
    Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim more...

    Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
    "Ahhh, that? s a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin?" the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.
    "That? s not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
    "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
    "There? s more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team? s players in the in a sensitive area."
    "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin? when you did these awful things?"
    "Southern Methodist."
    "Ah, more...

    There once was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. He retired following a happy thirty-year career. Shortly thereafter his company contacted him about a seemingly impossible problem with one of their million-dollar machines.
    The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. After spending a day studying the huge machine, he marked a small "X" in chalk on a machine component and proudly stated, "This is were your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly.
    The company was astounded to receive a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
    The engineer responded briefly:
    One chalk mark... $1
    Knowing where to put it... $49,999

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