Chairman Jokes / Recent Jokes

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today told Congress the recession might end this year. He also predicted that monkeys might fly out of his butt.

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

Overnight, Gov. Elect Jesse Ventura announced various appointments to his new administration.
Press Secretary - "Mean" Gene Okerlund
Agriculture Commissioner - Kenny "The Sodbuster" Jay
Chairman of 7 County Mosquito Control District - Jimmy "Super Fly" Snuka
Education Commissioner - Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
National Guard Adjutant General - Sargeant Slaughter
Transportation Commissioners - The Road Warriors
Commissioner of the Arts - "Rock and Roll" Buck Zumhofe
Chairman, Gov's Council on Physical Fitness - Jerry Blackwell
Animal Rights Commissioner - "Mad Dog" Vachon
State Title IX Coordinator - "Macho Man" Randy Savage
Tribal Affairs Commissioner - Wahoo McDaniel
Co-Chairs, State Recycling Program - Junkyard Dog and Ray "The Crusher" Stevens
Highway Maintenance Engineer - Dusty Rhodes
Trade Envoy to Japan - Mr. Fuji
State Treasurer - "The more...

Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign: 'Bulb defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for more...

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the lawyer in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over £600, 000 last year, and yet you have not given a farthing to community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?" The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?" The charity collector admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

person:when ur sitting inur chair...suddenly it is broken what will u do?
lawyer:i will call a chairman...

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what... is it good for?" - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do more...