Certain Jokes / Recent Jokes

An editor is someone who has earned enough points to "unlock" certain features of the website. Editors have certain degrees of ability to modify the jokes on this website. Here is a list of the requirements and privileges given to those who meet the requirements. You do not need to ask to become an editor. If you meet the requirements you automatically have those privileges.(Note: You may not get those privileges if you exhibit bad behavior toward the website.)
Level 0: (100 Points) You can report and verify duplicate jokes.
Level 1: (500 Points) You can suggest and verify corrections to jokes in order to improve spelling, grammar and other errors.
Level 2: (1000 Points) Your votes on jokes count as double (but you still only get 1 point for a vote)
Level 3: (4000 Points) Your votes on jokes count as triple (but you still only get 1 point for a vote)

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - Will Rogers
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." - M. Facklam
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." - Anonymous
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches more...

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills
uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused
by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide
do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe
tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating
and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body
electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO
withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer more...

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.
When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a...well... unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man- sigh - he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man... "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes; yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."
"Yes; yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off her. Every time she came in the room, he'd nearly jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a. . . well. . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man. . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes, yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door. . . "

"Yes, yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us…
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: “These toys more...

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.