Contract Jokes

It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which had fallen into disrepair. St. Peter sought out Satan.
"Hey, Satan, it's your turn to fix the fence. The big guy says it looks awful. Get it done."
"I like the way it looks," Satan answered. "I'm not doing anything."
"You have to," said St. Peter. "It's your duty. You signed a contract when we built the fence, and you are obligated to repair it."
"You think I care about that contract?" asked Satan. "You should know better than that. I said I am not doing anything, and if you don't leave me alone, I may just tell you what you can do with that contract."
"If you don't make the repairs," St. Peter said angrily, "The law will make you. If you don't live up to your obligations under the contract, we'll sue you."
"Sue me?" Satan couldn't help laughing. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?"

Bidding - Additional Requirements
Section 1A - The Truth
The requirements of Division 01 and of those documents under bidding
requirements and conditions of the contract and anything else we don't
think looks good here is null and void. If you know what's good for
you, you'd read this real close (meaning the contractor).
1.1 The work we did is clearly showed in the attached plans and
specifications. Our engineer, whose had plenty of college, spent one
hell of a lot of time when he drawed up these here plans and
specifications, but nobody can think of everything.
Once your bid is in - that's it, brother. From then on, anything
wanted by our engineer, or any of his friends, or anybody else (except
the contractor) shall be considered as showed, specified or implied
and shall be provided by the contractor without no expense to nobody,
but himself (meaning the contractor).
1.2 If the work is did without no expense to the more...

The Anti-Relationship Contract
(to guarantee no strings are attached)
I, _______________________, hereby surrender all possibilities of friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange for one (1) night of USDA approved fondling and fornication. I will not return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or otherwise contact/harass or vex said co-signer of contract for a time of no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said activities have been fulfilled. I also surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnomers and dirty looks in the cafeteria from myself and friends, and will treat said co-signer with all the respect due a stranger. I will say "hi" if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly, if not neutral, tone. I will also upon completion of herefore listed activities not leave underwear, earrings or other insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying about or hidden somewhere in the co- signer's abode for more...

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

The Boston Red Sox agreed to a $5 million contract with Tim Wakefield. The contract spans two years, or one pitch from Tim Wakefield.