Captain Jokes / Recent Jokes
You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one.
Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
What the fuck was that?
The Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at all these fucking Indians
General Custer
Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!
- Captain of the Titanic
That's not a fucking real gun
John Lennon
The fucking throttle's stuck
Donald Campbell
Who's going to fucking know?
President Nixon
Heads are going to fucking roll
Henry VIII
Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out
King Harold
Scattered showers my fucking ass
Noah
Where the fuck have you been?
Stanley to Livingston
Can you smell fucking gas?
Captain of the Hindenburg
Fuck you Brutus!
Julius Caeser
This was to be the new blonde flight attendant's first overnight trip, so the Captain was showing her the best place for personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as he was preparing the crew for the day's flight, he noticed the new flight attendant was missing. Since he knew which hotel room she was staying in he called her to find out what had happened.
Crying, she answered the phone and said, "Help, I can't get out of the room!" "What do you mean, you can't get out of the room?" the Captain asked.
"Well I can only find three doors," she sobbed. "One is the bathroom, one is the closet and the other one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"
What the fuck was that? The Mayor of HiroshimaLook at all these fucking IndiansGeneral CusterFull speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!- Captain of the TitanicThat's not a fucking real gunJohn LennonThe fucking throttle's stuckDonald CampbellWho's going to fucking know? President NixonHeads are going to fucking rollHenry VIIIWatch him, he'll have some fucker's eye outKing HaroldScattered showers my fucking assNoahWhere the fuck have you been? Stanley to LivingstonCan you smell fucking gas? Captain of the HindenburgFuck you Brutus! Julius Caeser
A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.'
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.'
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.
The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.'
The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' - and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, more...
A Foreign Legion Captain had just been transferred to a remote desert outpost. During his orientation tour, he noticed a camel tied behind the barracks.
"Why is there a camel tied to the barracks," he asked the Sergeant who was giving him the tour.
"Well, sir," the Sergeant explained, "the men tend to get lonely sometimes since there are no women here, so we have the camel."
"Well, I suppose if it's for the men, it's all right with me," said the Captain.
A couple of months later, the Captain found he was feeling very lonely himself, so he yelled out to the Sergeant, "Bring the camel to my tent!"
The Sergeant led the camel into the Captain's tent and left. A while later, the Captain emerged, zipping up his pants and smiling.
"So, Sergeant, is that how the other men do it?" he asked.
"No, sir," the Sergeant replied, "they usually just use the camel to ride into town!"
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says' Do Not Disturb'!"