Cabin Jokes / Recent Jokes

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Whoturned on the fucking lights!""Oh, no sir," the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights.'"

On her annual visit to another planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward and says. "I hope this spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound. "Why?" replies the cabin steward. "Because my friend and I want to talk, that's why."

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen.
This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to
Punjab Airways. We apologize for the four day delay in taking off,
owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery.

This is flight one two six flight to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination.
(I presume that the other 50% were the terrorists themselves!!!)
For the ones that don't quiet make it, Punjab Airways staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our
Stewardesses Bubbly and Goldie will be happy to brief you on more...

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Joe, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, more...

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
This is your captain banta singh welcoming you to
Punjab airways. We apolize for the four day delay in taking off,
Owing to bad weather and some overtime i had put in at the bakery.

This is flight one two six flight to new delhi.
Landing in delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in
The east. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your
Village!

Punjab airways has an excellent record for safety.
In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are
Afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure i announce that starting
This year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination.
(i presume that the other 50% were the terrorists themselves!!!)
For the ones that don't quiet make it, punjab airways staff have all
The requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our
Stewardesses bubbly and goldie will be happy to more...

A judaic rabbi met a christian father and asked him how came theirs church is so big and so rich. The father told the rabbi about the confession and invited him to come and see how it is going.
On sunday the rabbi steps into church to set up the confession cabin near the father.
A young woman cames into the cabin saying "Forgive me father for I have sinned - I've ben with a man who is not my husband"
"You made a wrong thing my child" said the father.
"Put 10 in the way out pray every night and you will be forgiven"
The rabbi set their for two more confession and ask the father permission to try to take his place.
A young lady came into the cabin and sais "Forgive me father for I have sinned - I'v been with a man who is not my father."
"You made a wrong thing my child" said the rabbi "put 100 in the way out and you can do it ten more times"

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, A lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard more...