Built Jokes / Recent Jokes

THIS is attributed to Rajaji: Before Indepen­dence, he was arguing with an Englishman about India's freedom. The Englishman retorted,' Look here! We have spent millions of pounds here - building cities, laying roads, railways and canals. We have built dams and barrages, universities, hospitals; opened mines; built ports and harbours, and so on. Do you seriously ask us to pack up bag and baggage and leave India?'
'No said Rajaji,' please leave the bag and baggage behind.'

A big Scot is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He points out the window. "See that dock in the lake? I built that dock with me own hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? No!!" and downs his pint.

He next pointed out the chair and table in the corner, the fence outside, all sorts of similar projects, and says "I built that with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do call me MacGregor the handyman? No!!"

He stares into his beer, whispers, "And you fuck one sheep."

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always steal his act by saying things like, "he has a card up his sleeve" or "he has a dove in his pocket." One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
McGee "A young man and an old man are talking.
"Do you see that barn over there?" the old man says. "I built that barn with my own bare hands in just three days. Do they call me McGee the barn builder? Oh, no, no, no."
The young man says, "Yes, sir, but... "
"And do you see that bridge over there?" says the old man. "I built that bridge with my own bare hands in just two days. Do they call me McGee the bridge builder? Oh, no, no, more...

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certfiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my more...

A german, a japanese, and a texan were all in a sauna butt-naked.All they were wearing was a towel around their waist.
All of a sudden, the german looks at his side.The texan, wondering what he was doing, saw he had a pager built into his side. He said you have a pager built into your waist?
The german says, "
Yeah! New german technology great stuff!"
The texan was confused.
Then, all of a sudden, they heard a ringing sound. The japanese started talking into his wrist.The texan saw this and said"
You have a telephone built into your wrist?"
The japanese said,"
Yeah! new japanese technology! great stuff!"
Confused once more, the texan just said,"
I got to use the men's room, I need time to think."
So he went, and when he got back, he found that the german was looking at him kinda' funny. Wondering why, the german said,"
You have a piece of toliet paper coming out of your butt!"
The more...

A salesman for a new firm had had a very bad week. Endless meetings in a half dozen cities, no sales. He was bummed and just wanted to relax on his flight home from Kansas City. Luckily, it looked like he had all three seats to himself in his row and he gratefully closed his eyes awaiting take off.
At the last minute, another passenger plopped down beside him. "Great, just great" he thought to himself. But then he opened his eyes and looked to see an absolutely gorgeous woman, blonde, green eyes, maybe 5 foot 4 inch, nicely built, well groomed and well dressed. Hmm, he thought, maybe my luck is going to change. She also still had a nametag on from something. So he turned to her and said "Hi, Masra. Are you traveling alone?"
She laughed and said "Oh, that's not my name. I was the keynote speaker at a convention today and forgot to take the silly thing off. It stands for Midwest American Sexual Response Association."
"Keynote huh? That more...

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.