Brilliant Jokes / Recent Jokes

Harry starts his new job at the zoo and he is given three tasks, the first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. Harry starts on this when suddenly a bloody great fish leaps out and bites him. Harry is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death. Upon doing so he realises that his boss is not going to be best pleased, so Harry tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything, so Harry feeds the fish to the lions.

Harry then moves on to his second job, which is to clearout the monkey house. Harry gets stuck in and a couple of chimps start throwing shit at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. Harry is shitting himself, so what does he do? he feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything.

Anyway, Harry moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some South American bees. more...

Lawyer's mother: "My son is a brilliant lawyer. He can look at a contract and instantly tell you whether it's verbal or written."

"For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex." -Gore Vidal

"A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good undertaker wants to finish the job and then have the patient sit up on the table." -Jean Kerr

"There was a young lawyer who showed up at a revival meeting and was asked to deliver a prayer. Unprepared, he gave a prayer from a lawyer's heart:' Stir up much strife amongst thy people, Lord, lest thy servant perish.'" -Senator Sam Ervin

"A judge is a law student who marks his own test papers." -H. L. Mencken

Despite his best efforts, the lawyer's client was convicted of murder and sentenced to die in the electric chair. On the eve of his execution, the convict called his attorney for more...

These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of
the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. They're
probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer
system no doubt is considered a federal offense. Enjoy!
>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
This small Wacko cult isn't giving in. Do you have any instructions?
Agent 2x3276
>To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Try playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day. That should
get the point across.
The Director
>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing "Feelings" over
and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko folks
that the end of the world is at hand. They're a bit less cooperative now.
Any more more...

Brilliant's Law Of Limited Ambition: If you can't learn how to do it well, learn how to enjoy doing it poorly.

Womanhood
Brilliant Woman Author Unknown


Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.




One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.


My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.


The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.


The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.


Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.


Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.


I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on more...

George meets his best friend Michael in the street and is very excited. Asked why, George tells Michael that he has heard of a brilliant new brothel.

"Why is it brilliant?" asks Michael.

George says, "Well you go in there at 9am, have all the sex you can handle until 12: 30, stop for a 3 course lunch, and have all the sex you can cope with until 4. 30pm. Then you have chocolate cake and coffee and just as you leave they give you $500 in your hand!"

"Jesus!" says Michael. "Where is this place?"

George says "I don't know, but I'll ask my wife tonight when she comes home."

His apartment was his living quarters and laboratory combined, Sam, the brilliant young inventor, explained to his friend as he showed him around the premises. With an uncharacteristic flourish, he drew back the velvet curtains enclosing a cozy alcove.
There, stretched out on a divan, was a dazzling blonde, as nubile and as nude as any the visitor had ever seen. In her hand she held a glass, empty except for two ice cubes.

"This is my latest and greatest invention," the genius beamed proudly. "I call it instant sex. You just add Scotch."